Saying goodbye to the daughter I never had

I am a boy mom.  I love being the mother of 3 remarkable boys. I feel blessed in such a way that if I sit and think about it for too long, my eyes well up with tears.  My cup runneth over.  Yet, every now and then, there is a teeny tiny part of me deep down in the depths of my heart, that sometimes aches just a little.  I never thought I would have 3 children.  I always longed for a big family, but for many reasons, I never thought it would become reality.  I remember finding out I was pregnant for the first time.  It was a complete shock and one that took my husband and I some time to absorb.  We weren’t ready for it.  Come to find out, though, you never really are ready for it.  After the initial shock wore off, we learned our baby was going to be a boy.  I remember the feeling of pure bliss knowing that we had our very own prince on the way.  As scared as we were to be first-time parents, it pales in comparison to the overwhelming love this little baby boy brought to our household. Its the kind of love you can’t put into words, it is something you can only feel.  Years later, we decided to expand our family and we also decided against finding out the gender of our other two babies.  We wanted it to be a complete surprise.  Each pregnancy had us guessing throughout the entire 9 months.  It felt like the majority of our family and friends were rooting for a girl. I was just rooting for a healthy baby.  Although, I couldn’t help but wonder how life would be with a little girl. People were so matter-of-fact about knowing that I would have a girl and their self-assurance made me giggle inside.  I knew they said it because they wished it for me.  I had my boy, and they thought I needed a girl to be complete.  I would sometimes feel slightly offended on behalf of the baby, thinking that if he were a boy, he wouldn’t appreciate all this girl talk.  Maybe I felt a little slighted because although I wouldn’t admit it, I had an inkling that God would give us another prince.

However, as I had 9 months to wonder about the gender, I had plenty of time to contemplate life with a girl. I pictured her having her dad’s kind heart and her mama’s free spirit.  Stubborn in her ways like me (which in reality scared me to death) yet with a caring and compassionate nature that would move her to do great things in the world. I wanted her to have a very sophisticated, dainty, and classic name.  This little girl would be my best friend for life.  And her name would be Elizabeth Pearl.  I was a bit of a fiery child.  That may or may not be an understatement.  I feared the thought of Elizabeth because if she were anything like I was as a child, then I had my work cut out for me.  Yet, I was still fully prepared.  I knew that regardless of its challenges, my princess would be worth every struggle.  I wondered how she would be, what she would look like, and how my life would change with her in it.

Then came my boys.  Each time at the hospital, I remember the almost impossible-to-bear anticipation of meeting our baby for the first time and discovering what God blessed us with.  Each time, I would stare intently at my husband’s face as he was the first to see each baby born and the first person who would tell me if it was a boy or a girl. There was so much emotion packed into those few seconds, as I waited for the verdict.  What I heard from my husband is the same thing I would hear all 3 times at the hospital, yet still each time was just as exciting. “It’s a boy!”….then almost 5 years later…”It’s another boy!”….and 3 years later…”(laughing) OH MY GOD, its another boy!”  Each time I felt an indescribable happiness.  I had 3 little princes in my life and alas, I would remain the queen of the castle…..but I can’t pretend that there were moments I didn’t feel a tiny sting in the deep down depths of me.  I can’t say that there wasn’t a little part of me that struggled just a little to let go of the idea of Elizabeth.  After all, I had such a vivid image of her and how she would be.  I pictured her bossing me and the boys around, yet still having us wrapped around her little finger. I pictured long talks about hair, makeup, and boys. I pictured her crying on my shoulder as she went through her first heartbreak.  I pictured her dancing on daddy’s shoes then eventually fitting into mine. However, I knew I had to let her go.  It was time to tell her goodbye.  I can’t lie.  Letting go was a little difficult, but it was made much easier knowing my heart is filled to the brim with the 4 greatest loves of my life. They are my gift; a gift that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the universe and God knew exactly what each one of those boys needed in a mother.  I’m eternally grateful that He chose me to be that for them.  What an overwhelming thought it is that God Himself carefully chose me out of the billions of people on this earth to raise these 3 beautiful souls.  That is what finally made it so easy to let go of the thought of my little girl.  She wasn’t meant for me.  She was meant for someone else.  I accept that.

So, goodbye my Elizabeth Pearl.  Wherever you are and whoever God carefully chose as your mother, I know that someday you will do great things in this world. I know someday you will move mountains and our world will be better because you are in it.

 

5 comments

  1. Donna

    Beautifully written❤️

    Reply

  2. Anonymous

    I love this & can totally relate! 😉

    Reply

  3. Lorena G.

    I love it!!! Thank you for sharing.

    Reply

  4. Anonymous

    Just be patient. One day you will have 3 wonderful daughter/loves to go with your sons!!! I am so blessed!!!

    Reply

  5. Golden

    Due with my 3rd boy in a few days… this is perfect.

    Reply

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